Tadi sore gue ngerapiin kamar di kampung halaman. Terus gue nemuin laptop jadul gue. Pas gue nyalain, gue nemu banyak banget kenangan-kenangan jadul tersimpan di sono. Mulai dari poto-poto gue jaman masih bangga banget pake gelang power-balance, sampe poto-poto sama mantan gue yang lagi tekun ngukir nama kita di WC umum pake tipe-x.

Terus, tiba-tiba mata gue terkunci pada sebuah folder bernama : "n0V3L 4L1tT". Yup.. Folder itu isinya adalah naskah-naskah gue dari jaman SMA. Pas gue nyoba baca naskah-naskah itu, beberapa menit kemudian gue lupa ingatan dan diare. Ternyata gue waktu itu bisa loh, nulis naskah cerpen dengan gaya tulisan 4L4y. Pantes waktu itu kelingking gue sering cantengan. Soalnya jari itu sering gue paksa buat mencet tombol SHIFT di keyboard biar keluar efek TuLiSaN kAyAx GiNi LoOhH..

Tapi di samping semua naskah-naskah itu, gue nemu sebuah naskah berbahasa inggris. Mihihihi.. Iya, gue dulu juga sempet iseng-iseng nulis cerpen dengan bahasa inggris. Umm.. Tapi naskah yang ini, sebenernya dulu sempet gue ajuin ke sebuah lomba naskah drama panggung berbahasa inggris gitu. Jadi, nggak layak disebut cerpen juga sih. Dan alhamdulillah, naskah gue ditolak.. Abis gue baca ulang, gue nyadar.. nyadar banget kenapa nih naskah ditolak. (Miiihihihihi..) Tapi.. ya sudah, daripada terbuang percuma, nih naskah mending gue pajang di blog aja.. Biar kalo emang ada nilainya, bisa jadi bahan renungan bersama. Karena sedikit-sedikit, ini juga inspired by special experience. Itu lah kenapa, buat temen-temen yang udah baca buku gue SKRIPSHIT pasti ngerasa familiar ama beberapa karakter di cerita ini.. :)

Naskah ini langsung gue copas dari doc. Gak ada editing, biar aroma tulisan teenager gue masih kental.. (ceilaaahh!!) So, dengan mengesampingkan grammar error gue, silakan dinikmati naskah gue ini ya guys! :D

-The Soldier of Mine-

When I was very young, I used to hear a lot of abuses and gruff words that I could not push away. Although I had closed my ears as strong as I could, those words were still heard so hard and clear for me. One question that appeared in my head, “what does it mean?”

 My small body laid down in the corner of a room that full of colorful stars and lights and there were some of my favorite dolls on the bed. I cried,

Dad : “Damn you!! Don’t try to complain to all those things that I did! It’s my business! Just close your trap or I’m going to tear it widely!!

Mom: (Crying) how could you treat me like this? I would have given you all, even if it means I have nothing anymore. You are cheating on me, Bastard!!

Dad : I said shut up!! (Sound of something breaks loudly)

Mom : Aaaaa!!!! You are trying to kill me, loser! How dare you are??

I walked toward them to watch what was happening,

Dad : (Looked at me) Hey!! Bastard son, what are you doing? Do you want to get the same thing just like your mother got? Come here!

Me : (stepped back slowly and afraid) No...

Mom : Don’t try to touch him, or I’m going to burry you alive! (Took me into her arms)

That man left us, walked toward his car and went away... And ever since, I never see him again..

That is just an example of my dark, hard, and disgusting days in the past. My past was a mess! I could not find any smile nor love among my family members. My daddy was the evil one in the family. Although I was his only child, he never thought that I need his love. I hate him! I really… really hate him..

When I was 4 years old, my parents divorced. Then I lived with my grand parents, because my Dad had gone away, and my mom had to live in another town, because she had to work there and no one was going to take care of me. Unfortunately, my “New Family” was not really different...

One day...

Grandpa : Johnny.. Look at this mess! Are you blind? Come on.. Pick up your stuffs and clean them up, stupid!!

Me : I’m sorry grandpa.. Okay... I’ll do it..

Yup, my grandpa was so rude.. It’s not only when he asked me to clean up something. Even when he asked me to study, he wouldn’t use the lovely words.

Grandpa : Johnny... you have to study hard, other wise, you’ll be a dummy who just makes this world becomes worse and you’ll be a part of World’s Trashes... remember it, stupid!!

Me : Alright, Grandpa..

My grandpa used to be a soldier... actually he is a wise person, but the way he taught and talked to me was so gruff. All those words that he told me always end with the word “Stupid”... It seems like I was perfectly useless! I didn’t know why he treated me so. Did he hate me? Who knows.. Anyway.. I respected him! Because I was scared of him.

My Grandma treated me well, full of love and patient... Anything she said always started with word “Dear” and ended with word “Baby”...

Grandma : Dear... Have you had your lunch? Would you like some cake or something? I do not want to see you get sick, baby..

Me : I don’t need your service.. I’m not handicapped.. I can do it by myself..

Grandma : (Smiles..)

Another day..

Grandma : Dear.. What are you doing?

Me : Don’t you see that I’m playing video game? Are you blind?

Grandma : Dear.. I’m so sorry for disturbing your activity.. I just want to tell you.. You can play anything and all the time you want, but do not forget your main job.. Study.. I really want to see you become a successful person then.. Let me tell you.. When you got wide knowledge in your head, means your future is on your hand.. You want to live whether in happiness or suffer.. It’s your choice.. Now, just continue your activity, but do not forget to study anytime you are ready.. Okay baby?

Me : Don’t try to judge what I should do.. Mind your own business!!

Grandma : (Smiles…)

Although my grandma treated me well, I used to treat her Gruffly.. I know it wasn’t fair, but I didn’t know why I treated her so.. Actually I felt comfortable whenever I met her.. Might be, this “comfortable” was the thing that pushed me to do such a thing.. I believed that she would understand about my condition.

In my childhood, I was known as a boy that really gruff. “No day without fighting” that was my motto. Almost everyday my grandparent was invited by the headmaster of my school because I made some mess. I punched my friend, broke their property, and the other juvenile delinquencies till I got no friend left. After my grandparent got the information about my juvenile, my grandpa always punished me with his hard punishment. Pushed up, ran around the yard, kind of military punishments, and last but not least.. Gruff words.. and I enjoy it..

Myy grandma usually gave me suggestions, suggestions and suggestions.. Lots of wise words and smile appeared from her mouth.. but, I didn’t like it!! Grandpa and grandma was not a matched couple.. Grandpa was gruff.. On the other hand, grandma was so Lovely.. I used to hear their arguments. Grandma was insulted by grandpa, and she just quiet and apologized though she didn’t make any fault.. Sometimes my heart said, “Why?? Why do they like to do that? Is it joyful?” but I wasn’t mature enough to understand it.. and actually I hate both of my grandparent cause they reminded me about my memory of my parent’s dispute .. But I could not express my feeling to my grandpa.. I was so afraid of him. So, why did I do the gruff things to my grandma? On the other hand, she loved me so.. Because I trusted her.. I believed that she would not against me. So I felt safe and comfortable to do anything I want to her..

One day, when Grandpa was drinking a cup of coffee in the living room..

Grandpa : Johnny.. my donkey.. Come here boy.. I want to tell you something..

Me : Alright grandpa..

Grandpa : Boy.. You are going to be graduated from senior high school by next month.. do you have any plan for your next step? If you don’t, it means you’re so stupid!

Me : Yes.. I have.. I want to continue my study in business.. I want to be a businessman..

Grandpa : (Spread up his coffee from his mouth) Hahahaha!!! Idiot! Do you really know what you are going to do? What a silly of you..

Me : what?? Why did you say such a thing?

Grandpa : Businessman is the most stupid job in this world!! Cheating to each other.. Lying to everybody.. Just for money.. Loser..

Me : so what do you want me to do?

Grandpa : I want you to follow my step.. be a soldier!! That is the way you should be..
I tried to understand what he was talking about and I don’t know why, I really could not accept his request.. Although I never refused his requests before..

Me : No grandpa.. I don’t want to be a soldier.. I want to live my life in my own way.. I’m sorry..
Grandpa : What?! Do you know what you are doing? How dare you are, Bastard son!!

Me : shut up, weak desperate old man!! I cannot bear again! I’ve been too long to be your slave!! Now just let me do what I want!!

Then I left him and I went to visit my mom.. My mom did not know what was happened between grandpa and me.. She only knew that I visited her for vacation. And I acted like everything was fine.
A couple of weeks, later my grandma called me by phone..

Grandma : Hallo Dear..

Me : What’s up?

Grandma : Dear.. Please go home immediately.. Your grandpa.. Your grandpa is hospitalized..

Me : I don’t care!! It’s not my business.. He deserves it!
Grandma : Ouch.. Dear.. Please… he really needs you..

Me : I said, No!!

(I closed the phone call immediately)

Then, I asked a question that always appeared in my mind to my Mom..

Me : Mom.. Why did Daddy leave us?

Mom : Your Daddy is an Evil, dear... he has no responsibility to us.

Me : Why did he do that?

Mom : Because he could not appreciate a thing called Love.

Me : What is Love? How do we appreciate it?

Mom : Love is a thing that we can not touch, but it is easy to be felt. Just like the air.. We can not touch it, but we can feel it, right? And we really need it.. can not live without it.. and How do we appreciate it? Just appreciate your life. Spend your life with a lovely way. Live your life with your lovely choice. Don’t hurt anybody, be something you want to be.

Me : Does it mean daddy did not choose the lovely choice? Why?

Mom : Because he did not believe in his heart. He believed in his brain.. He used to do the bad thing to the weak one and do the good thing to the stronger one to get some fun.. He chooses "FUN" rather than "LIFE" when he couldn't choose both. Weakness and love is pretty close, dear.. And I love him. That’s why I became so weak to him.

Me : Do you still love him?

Mom : Of course I do..

Me : if so, why did you let him go?

Mom : Because my heart had chosen the right thing that I should do to him.. That’s my lovely choice, dear.

Then I asked her about the problem I had with grandpa..

Me : Mom.. I can not live with granny.. I can not bear again. They had arguments everyday. Whenever they disputed, I remembered about daddy.. You took me to the same condition. Actually, I hate you mom, and also daddy and granny.. but I have no choices.. I have to live with you all. You are gruff persons with a gruff life, gruff language, and gruff behavior. I don’t want to be the same. I want to live my own life.

Mom : Ou yeah? I understood about your conditions, dear.. I knew that I was wrong to let you see those disgusting events.. I’m so proud of you.. You can think by your own idea.. I’d like to see you live your own life, and don’t follow us.. Actually I’m failed dear. I followed your grandparent’s way.. I could not live my own life.

Me : But mom.. I just made a big mistake, just like you said, “I follow their way..”

Mom : what does it means?

Me : I just refused grandpa’s request to be a soldier, because I want to be a businessman. I realized that he never loves me and he wants me to be his doll. He is an evil one! Now, he is hospitalized because of this problem. I’m so satisfied because I could do my revenge to him. Hahahaa..
*PLAK!!* (My mom slapped me on my cheek..)

Mom : Johnny!! (Crying) how dare you are? Don’t you know who took care of you since you were a child? You said that you hate us! You hate the way we live our life! But you just did the same thing that we did!

Me : but you don’t know how he treated me! He treated me gruffly.. He pretends me as his slave! He did not love me! So why I have to love him and treat him well? God just gave me this opportunity. So I used it well!

Mom : That is his behavior, John! No one can change his behavior! Even himself! Can’t you understand it? He grew in a gruff family, and worked as a soldier, so it’s very possible that he became a gruff man! I thought you were different from us… now I realize that I was wrong..(She kept crying…)

After I heard what my Mom said, I realized that I was the reflection of my daddy.. I don’t know what was happened to me.. I hate my dad, but I did the same thing just like what he did to my mom and me.

*Talking to myself* : I shouldn’t be here and let my grandpa dying.. I have to come to him and beg for his apology. I don’t care about his deeds. I just want to prove that I can be myself.

*In the hospital..*
Grandpa : Idiot! What are you doing here? I don’t need you to be here. You aren’t my grandson. You are Andrew’s (my dad’s name) son. I don’t want to see you again. Uhuk.. Uhuk!!

Me : I’m so sorry grandpa.. I didn’t mean to do such a thing to you.. I just want to be myself. I don’t like to be a soldier.

Grandpa : so why are you back here? I can not accept you if you still in your own idea! You aren’t my grandson! Stupid!

Me : okay grandpa.. I’ll go from here.. I guarantee that you won’t see me again..
Then I left my grandpa alone. Outside of my grandpa’s room, my grandma was waiting for me. When she saw me walked out, she called me and asked me,

Grandma : Johnny.. What was happened? It seems like you are so disappointed.

Me : I’m failed grandma.. I could not make him believes that I can be a man without his idea. I am failed to be his grandson. I am Andrew’s son.

Grandma : come here dear, let me tell you.. Your grandpa didn’t mean to do such a thing to you. He said that he doesn’t want you become a businessman, because he doesn’t want to see you follow your dad’s step. Don’t you realize what your dad had done to you? He left you just because his new business projects! He sacrificed you and your mom! Now, he lives in happiness and doesn’t care of you, right?

Even though your grandpa gruff, he has a big responsibility to his family. He had done a lot of sacrifices for this country and for his family. I remember when we were young, and your mom was a baby, actually we had two children, your mom and her little brother. It was war-age, the enemy attacked our area, and your grandpa tried to save us. But, unfortunately he could not save our son. Then, he was so disappointed to himself. He was so frustrated because he thought that he hadn’t any child who would follow his step anymore. But after you were born, he came up from his long hibernation and I could see a smile was raised on his lips again.

He found a new hope in you. Dear, I know that actually you are a good boy, and I realize that you are disappointed to the way he taught you. But he did it because he wanted to build you to be a strong man and he wanted to see his grandson become a knight. I don’t want to force you to be something that your grandpa want, but please think about it, dear. I know that you are mature enough, and you are wise enough to face this problem. (Smiles)

Me : Hhmmppff.. Alright grandma, just let me think about it.
I never thought that my grandpa was so great. I thought that he hate me because he hate my dad. I was so confused. I didn’t want to disappoint him, on the other hand, I didn’t want to disappoint myself.
After a long deep thought, finally I was ready to talk to my grandpa. I could not hide anymore. I had to face this fact.

I went to meet Grandpa (again)
Me : Grandpa.. I’m sorry to disturb you. I just want to talk to you.

Grandpa : what do you want? Aren’t you satisfied of all those things that you have done to me? You disappointed me, you insulted me, you hurt me so, Idiot.

Me : I’m so sorry grandpa.. But I really can’t accept your request. I never dreamed to be a soldier. I want to be a businessman.

Grandpa : so why are you back here?! It won’t change my idea about you, loser!

Me : Grandpa.. Don’t you think about my condition? Don’t you think about me if I accept your request to be a soldier? Actually, what is your purpose by asking me to be a soldier?

Grandpa : Let me tell you.. I’m so proud to be a soldier. I’m so proud to all those things that I’ve done for this country. I just want you feel the same when you are old, son. (His tears dropped)

Me : yeah.. I’m so proud of you, grandpa. But I don’t want to be a soldier just like what you ask me to be.. I think it’s useless to be a soldier who could fight for my country; but I couldn’t fight for my own right. I don’t care whether you agree to my idea or not, but it’s me grandpa.. I want to be a soldier of mine. A soldier who can fight for my right, my dreams and my life. Please believe me that I’m mature enough to find out my own way to continue my journey. Believe me that I won’t follow Andrew’s step. I don’t want to see my child becomes “The next Johnny”. I’m so sorry, grandpa.. I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m so sorry to destroy your hope. But it’s me, it’s my life...
(I stepped back and left that old man, but...)

Grandpa : Son.. Come here..

Me : What? Do you want to say the last “stupid” word to me?

Grandpa : I’m so proud of you.. I don’t care whether you won’t be a soldier. But you are right, son.. It’s better to be a soldier who can fight for his own right. It’s useless if you become a soldier because I force you. I’m so embarrassed son.. I’m sorry..

Me : It’s Okay, Grandpa.. Thanks for whole things that you’ve taught me.. and I think you’re a successful leader for me, general..

We hugged each other.. and grandma looked at us happily…